I don’t get cats. 

I mean, as a dog, we are natural enemies and I generally don’t associate with cats if I can help it. 

And why would I like cats? They’re sneaky. They always look like they know something you don’t. They don’t like any of the things I like: they don’t dig holes or chase sticks or bark. They scratch. On purpose. I don’t think they like hotdogs. Their idea of fun is lounging in the sun… but then, I like that too, so I guess that’s off the list. 

I especially don’t like one cat in particular. I have written about him (or maybe it’s a “her;” I don’t know for sure and I don’t want to get close enough to figure it out) before. This cat lives in our neighborhood. Its name is Catzilla. At least that’s what I call it. It probably has some dopey, cute and cuddly name like Fluffy or Snowball. But there is nothing cute of fluffy or cuddly about this cat. 

Catzilla stalks and terrorizes birds and squirrels in the neighborhood. It’s huge. I don’t know what Catzilla actually weighs. I don’t want to know. I just know that Catzilla beat up my squirrel buddy Zippy once and we have avoided the part of the block where Catzilla hangs out ever since. No use taking chances. Right? 

One time I refused to go outside because Catzilla was checking out the birds at our bird feeder. I know what it was thinking: LUNCH. That stupid cat was looking at my birds like he was at a weenie roast. I would never eat a live bird. They’re my friends. 

I barked like crazy but I wouldn't go outside and chase him. I think that’s undignified. I thought my barking must have been pretty terrifying. It sounded pretty scary in my head. I Know if I had been a cat and I was getting barked at like that, I would have high-tailed it out of there. 

I was just letting him know: “Get off my porch and leave our birds alone or my humans will spat you with a broom!” 

Not Catzilla. 

He looked over one shoulder and just looked at me. I swear he was smirking at me. Like he was saying, “I will go this time, small dog, only so you do not summon your humans. But one day you will not be watching and I will return.” 

Like I was supposed to be scared. 

Please. 

Not of a bully.